Cat Fight
by EEevee
Summary: One-shot. Being so skilled with sword fighting can be boring. It's time to broaden some horizons. R for lang. sexual insinuations, horrible attempts at humor. OOC.


Title: Catfight  
  
Authors: Eeevee and fyyrrose  
  
Genre: humor/parody  
  
Summary: Being so skilled with sword fighting can be boring. What if two certain people decided to try a new method of fighting? One word: bitch fight! Rated R for language, sexual insinuations, and the terrible attempt at making this funny.   
  
Disclaimer: Neither of us own RK. In fact, I own nothing. No merchandise, nada. Oh wait, I have Trust/Betrayal, but it's in California because my lazy dad hasn't sent it back to me yet! J owns several DVDs and gladly torments me about them, but she does not (much to the relief of everyone), own it.  
  
Kaoru's voice floated out from the kitchen announcing dinner. The three males, doing various things around the yard paused.   
  
"Run for your lives. Why did Missy have to cook?" Sano asked from where he lased on the porch. His broad back was resting against a pole and his long legs were hanging over the edge.  
  
"Since when have you said no to free food, you bum?" Yahiko retorted throwing the dirty rag to the side. The evil Ugly had made him clean the whole dojo.  
  
"Yes Miss Kaoru." Kenshin replied pausing in his soft humming and laundry doing. He finished up and wiped his hands on his pants.  
  
"Okay, everyone hungry?" Kaoru chirped.  
  
Kenshin's eyes narrowed as he noticed the walking smoke creator leaning in the shadows. The golden eyes were lingering a bit too much on one particular figure. Kenshin knew he had to stand up for himself. This behavior was inexcusable.  
  
"Are you looking at my woman?" He growled placing himself between them.  
  
The cop raised a cool eyebrow and replied nonchalantly, "Who's to say she's yours?"  
  
Sano shifted to see better. This could be the fight of the century. That one fight in the dojo? Nothing. This would be some real material. Completely worthy of the lowest bar or gambling house.   
  
"Hey Missy, you got any snack food?" Sano asked leaning forward intently. Kaoru eyed him before smacking him on the head and handing him some dubious looking dinner. He didn't notice either attempt on his health.  
  
"Huh? What's going on?" Yahiko, clueless as usual, butted in.  
  
"I'll show her a snack, oh wait that's what they call yours Battousai. I'm the full course meal." Saitoh taunted, wasting no time at all.  
  
"You should not resort to such obscure meanings, that you should not. Not when you have nothing to back it up."  
  
"I knew you were always stupid. I can back up anything I say, unlike you bi-atch." Saitoh sneered.  
  
A change came over Kenshin. He seemed to grown taller (but not really) and more powerful. His eyes gleamed a molten golden-color-ish-thing and his hair flamed (more).  
  
"Oh no you did not!"  
  
"Oh you know I did!" Saitoh retorted gleefully, "You inbreed, puny momma's boy!"  
  
"I think you need a beat down boy!" Kenshin thundered in all his blazing glory. Saitoh flicked his ever-present cancer stick away and gave a feral smirk.  
  
"Are you trying to pick me up or start a fight?"  
  
Sano nudged Yahiko who was still looking rather confused, "Hey kid, wanna make a bet?"  
  
"Sure." Yahiko replied confidently. "You always lose so I have pretty good odds."  
  
"Who would want your ugly ass cricket-face?" Kenshin bellowed prissily. Don't ask. It is possible, really.  
  
"Your momma never said no." Saitoh replied.  
  
"My momma would do anyone for some money. It's your momma who's screwin' for free!"  
  
"I bet my next pay check that Saitoh wins." Sano interjected smoothly, continuing his bet and eating his dinner.  
  
"Traitor!" Yahiko screamed and jumped to his feet in defense of Kenshin. He paused, "Wait, you don't have a job… hey!"  
  
"You kiss your momma with that mouth boy? I hope my momma's enjoying herself since she'd been dead for years you necrofiliac!"  
  
"You were probably the one who killed her you homicidal bitch."  
  
"No, it was one look at your pansy-ass face that struck her down."  
  
"Okay, okay, my next meal then!" Sano bargained.  
  
Yahiko looked at him skeptically. "You're eating it. You do know that's Ugly's cooking right?"  
  
"I ain't never seen your momma! She must have been a true fright looking at how you turned out." Kenshin said wrinkling his nose.  
  
"Better looking than your fat-ass mother who can't get a decent job to feed her fifteen kids."  
  
"At least I know who my daddy is." Kenshin grinned maliciously.  
  
Saitoh quickly covered the distance between them and slapped Kenshin across the face once. "Bitch, say that again to my face!"  
  
Kenshin's still molten eyes glowed and he drew himself up to his full (pathetic) height. He dragged out each syllable pronunciation it perfectly, "Who's your daddy bi-atch?"  
  
Sano yelped in excitement, "Cat fight!"  
  
"We already know that, you dumbass!" Yahiko moaned.  
  
"Your daddy."  
  
Kenshin's eyes immediately went swirly and he blinked in confusion, "So does that make us brothers?"  
  
"Incest." Sano yipped making Yahiko jump and Kaoru smack him on the head. "You perverted slacker. Get out if you're going to be in the gutter!"  
  
"But Missy, this is the fight of my lifetime! Besides, it's obvious that both of them are flamin' gay. I mean, Kenshin's practically a fruitcake in the truest sense of the word."  
  
"Moron, speak when you have something intelligent to say."  
  
"Hey, you watch it man. Or I'll have to hang your skinny ass from the dojo roof using Missy's cooking as glue. You'll never get back down!" Sano retorted, cracking his knuckles and readying his leftovers.  
  
"Sanosuke! Get out!" Kaoru screamed and started beating the young man over the head. He ignored her watching Saitoh with his spice-colored eyes.  
  
"You'd get some pleasure out of that, wouldn't you Moron. Admit it, you're so far on the other side of the fence it's out of sight. Besides, that bandanna is so last season!" Saitoh sniffed.  
  
"At least I don't look like some nasty-ass bug." Sano retorted with a sniffle and petted his frayed hair-tamer like a dead dog.  
  
"Besides, Kaoru needs a real man."  
  
"EXCUSE ME!" Kenshin screamed getting red in the face. Everyone looked over having forgotten he was even there. "I am the main character, that I am." He points to Sano. "You're just the lowly gangster who starts fights." Points to Yahiko. "And you're the bratty little kid that no one likes." And lastly he points the accusing finger at Saitoh, "And you're the evil prick who starts stuff with me! For no reason at all."  
  
"At least I have one." Saitoh replied and Sano winced mouthing 'low blow'. "and I'm not so pussywhipped that I have to get permission to breath."  
  
"You going to prove that?" Kenshin challenged.  
  
"Which?" Saitoh sneered, "Because both counts are true."  
  
Kenshin, finally realizing how much off track this has gotten, returned to his main point, "Miss Kaoru is mine."  
  
"Jerk, I'm not his." Kaoru muttered rebelliously. Sano cast her a disbelieving glance, but didn't comment. Yahiko had already bolted out of the yard and probably hadn't stopped running yet.  
  
"And I will fight you for her, that I will." Kenshin added firmly.  
  
"So possessive over what is not yours to claim in the first place." Saitoh snickered and shifted his balance. It was important to get the hair. The hair was always first. It practically secured victory.  
  
With blinding speed (assuming you could actually see him move), Kenshin shot forward with his long, sharpened claws ready. He would tear the man who dared intrude on his property to tiny bits.  
  
Before he could fully sink his claws into the man's wiry chest and pinch at the soft anatomy there were fingers twined around his fiery strands of hair. A sharp yank brought some tears, but Kenshin vainly groped for a better position.  
  
"Who's the bitch now, dog?" Saitoh grunted and jerked a clump hard almost tearing it out of the scalp.  
  
Kenshin twisted around like an eel ignoring the stinging pain with gritted teeth. He latched onto Saitoh's bangs with both hands, two in each, and ripped downward electing a scream of pain.  
  
"How pretty will you look without these?" Kenshin snarled doing his best to pulling them (and hopefully some skin too) out of the taller man's head.  
  
"Let go you he-whore and I won't kill you too quickly." Saitoh howled and hooked his leg behind Kenshin's knee. The smaller man's legs gave out and he toppled over dragging the cop with him. They landed still fighting tooth and nail.  
  
"Shit, you broke my nail!" Kenshin bawled and both paused while he assessed the damage. He glared daggers (or nail files?) at his nemesis, "You'll pay for that. Now it's personal."  
  
"What was it before?" Kaoru screamed in a fury.  
  
"So you guys going to mud wrestle?"  
  
"You want to join them." Kaoru asked with narrowed eyes and clenched fists. For the first time in his life Sano knew when it was time to shut the hell up.  
  
"Get off me!" Kenshin squealed from under Saitoh. He jerked his head around and sank his teeth into the first available piece of flesh.  
  
"Bitch, I need that later to use my sword!"  
  
Kenshin clamped down harder almost drawing blood, but not quite. Wouldn't that taste nasty? "Yof desef it. Basford. Wor shoulf Eh say bifch?"  
  
Saitoh balled his free fist and whaled on Kenshin's head, "Fuck you, now get off me before I decide you don't need teeth."  
  
"Yof coulfn't foof me dickwad." Kenshin retorted through a mouthful of flesh.  
  
"Kaoru, if you want to save this bastard's life pry him off now." Saitoh warned. "Otherwise make the moron clean your floors."  
  
"That stupid asshole. Make it painful. Wait, let me go get a hot spoon!" She ran off muttering under her breath, "Personal, right. Men are pigs."  
  
Saitoh dug his fingers deep into the mass of coppery hair and slammed the smaller man's forehead (and his subsequently attached wrist) into the ground. After about the twentieth time (and his arm was getting rather tired) Kenshin finally gave. Or rather, his jaw did with a pop.  
  
Giving that up as a lost cause he whirled aiming for the eyes with his nine perfect nails. They would avenge their honorable comrade!  
  
"You use those nails on Hiko too, or am I special?" Saitoh jabbed, jerking his precious optical sensory organs out of the way in the nick of time. He was running out of insults. Let's see. Mother? Check. Father? Check. Siblings? Check. Master? Check. Best friend? Check. Now, that left the kid…  
  
"Hey! Knock knock!"  
  
Both combatants froze. Kenshin trying to gouge Saitoh's eyes out and Saitoh doing his best to break a few offending fingers.  
  
Misao bounced in with Aoshi in tow. The man was staring blankly ahead, refusing to acknowledge that the two strong fighters were in, what was called in layman's terms, a bitch fight. It was just too embarrassing!  
  
"Hey," Misao cocked her head quizzically, somehow reminding people of a squirrel not a weasel. The people smile and remember the squirrel that had fallen under their four-wheel drive mere hours before. But that's not the point. "What's going on Rooster head?"  
  
Sano, who had decided this was a convenient time to take a nap, woke with a start. He peered over blurrily, "They're still at it?"  
  
"At what?" Misao pressed.  
  
"Orgy by now." Sano yawned again. He blinked owlishly and took in Aoshi's attire. Suppressing a grimace of distaste at the off-white… dress. Okay, so it was a kimono, but something that most defiantly didn't belong on the former leader of the Obiwanban Group. "By the looks of Shinomori he's all set to join in."  
  
Instant results. Faster than instant ramen or instant cocoa, but far less appetizing.  
  
"Die, you insulted my beloved Aoshi's clothing!" Misao screamed insanely, instantly blowing everyone within range eardrum out. Sano put up in an arm in defense, but it was far too late for that.  
  
Kenshin and Saitoh, spat forgotten, watched with interest wondering if weasels were cannibals.  
  
~_^ Beta Reader's comment: I really wanted Saitoh to go and win the fight, since I was his voice for this story, and I hate to lose. I had a wicked ass ending. But Eevee just wanted it over and done with. So here's the alternative ending. This comes in where Sano says that Aoshi should join in cause she *had* to make a comment about the kimono....  
  
Kaoru rushed to untangle the two boys; no one could call them men, especially by the way they were acting. (No duh) Seemed that they had entangled themselves (remember she was getting the hot spoon) and she was about to return out of the line of fire when Saitoh grabbed her arm and spun her towards him.  
  
Kenshin growled and snarled at the cop's actions. Before he could do anything, Saitoh pulled the momentarily stunned Kaoru into his arms and fiercely planted his lips upon hers.  
  
Everyone stood with their mouth open, gawking at the scene before them. Saitoh was the first one to break the kiss. He stared at Kaoru, who eyes were glazed over. He let go of her and she fell to the ground.  
  
Saitoh smirked and lit a cigarette. "I win," was the last thing he said before peacefully leaving the dojo.  
  
Eevee's note: We did this in the usual style. I came up with an insane idea ^_____^ (I was working on Strays and getting frustrated and suddenly I put the two of them in an all-out bitch fight). I set up the scene, the characters, and the situation and pressed the 'go' button on fyyrrose. She played Saitoh while I did Kenshin. Yahiko, Sano, and Kaoru were both of us. Aoshi and Misao were me ^__^;; And if any of you had any illusions about me being sane… And I don't have a problem with FKB (Aoshi in a kimono) since I've only seen it *once*. That was all fyyrrose! She hates that kimono. Oh, and case you couldn't tell due to our pathetic-ness, this is a parody of Jerry Springer-ish behavior and bitch fights. 


End file.
